Posted By Nan

Psalm 46:7,11
“Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God of angel armies protects us.” The Message.


A significant part of change and waiting for change, is trust. We cannot wait without fear in the darkness if we do not trust God.


When I was a child, like other abused children, I clung to my parents. I did this, not because they were trustworthy, but because I depended on them for survival. And there was no one who was going to help me. So I learned to do what they wanted me to, to try to reduce the abuse. As a child I believed I was abused because I was a bad person and tried very hard to be perfect so I would not get abused. But it never worked, and then I felt I was a really bad person for constantly failing. I believed my parents were right because I had no measure to compare their behaviour with. My view of the world was from their perspective. If an adult tells a child they are wrong the child tends to believe the adult, particularly if they are a care giver.


So I learned that trust meant trying to achieve impossible perfection to avoid the abuse that measured how bad I was. Trust was not nice.


From the bullies at school, I learned that people who should be trustworthy were not. Betrayal was the norm, not trustworthiness. This continued into my adult life with Christian friends I gathered around me. They were so bad that God told me to get rid of them.


I learned that no one could be trusted.


I also learned that letting go of things and handing them to God would mean I would be put through horrible things. Because as a child, I begged God to save me from the horror of my life and He didn’t. No knight on a white charger arrived to take me away. So I figured that God wanted bad things to happen to me so I could learn, and I was sick of bad things happening to me and wondered why I was such a slow learner.
What I have learned since is that God was working in my life. The abuse didn’t stop, but He gave me His word and presence to encourage me. He gave me friends when I needed them. He gave me an imagination and love for books so I could escape there to help me calm the crazy terror of my life. He protected me so I emerged from that terrible time with astonishingly good mental health. That happened because of His intervention. People who go through what I did usually turn out very damaged in adulthood.


One day I realised that God always helped me when I asked. He had helped over and over. I just couldn’t remember it because of the bad times when I believed He hadn’t helped me. But I still believed that God wanted me to go through bad times.
I have realised that this is not what God wants for me. I have realised that more good things happened to me than bad and that the bad times have been outweighed by the good times. I have realised that I have led a very blessed life.


I have learned that God can be trusted and that He is always watching over me, teaching me. He is the proud Father who has watched over my little triumphs and disappointments in life and rejoiced in His love for me and delighted in me. I may not have had a family that did that, but I have a heavenly Father who delights in me and that is amazing.


Our experiences in life can lead us to have a faulty view of trust. But we need to know God in whom we trust. We can learn that by reading of God’s trustworthiness in the Bible, by listening to God and by observing how many times He intervenes in our lives to give us good things.


May you know, if not now then in the future, God who can be trusted.
 

 
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Nan
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